Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize