im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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