sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize