A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
