i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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