she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
