he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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