You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
