keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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