If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
