I want to have your abortion
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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