If that was your dad, he is hot
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
