Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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