So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
