every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
