well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
