Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
