the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
