Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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