woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
