I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
