Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
