I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
