Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
