I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
