When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize