You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
