I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
