everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
