I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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