Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
