Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i love accidental penises.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
