So drunk its hurt
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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