so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
