I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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