Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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