he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize