I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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