Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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