It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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