2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
