Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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