I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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