U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
