i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
