the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
