you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
cat food counts as protein by the way
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
