I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
