he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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