You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
