So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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