marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
