Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
