so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
