tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
