I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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