Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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