just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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