I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
