I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
