On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
