Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
