Dude my mom stole all your condoms
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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