i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
