Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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