Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
