if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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