Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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