Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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