I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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